When you meet someone, there are two and a half common questions you ask. “What do you do?” and “Married? Kids?” These are common questions which we ask because they’re “safe.” Questions which give us a quick, mile-high overview of where a person is in life. These most basic of questions are a daily strange moment for parent’s who have lost a child. Do we have 3 sons? 1? People tell us “you’ll always have 3 sons.” But we don’t. I’ve become comfortable in saying “we had 3 sons, and lost 2.” It invariably brings that instant sadness to the conversation, but loss and life are all in the same bag – I smile and the conversation moves forward.
Death is an awkward thing. It’s ugly and beautiful; it is relieving and straining. It makes us think so heavily about who we are and why we are. From my experience and the words of people I’ve spoken with who’ve felt this and had much more time to move through it, it seems the questions we ask after we’ve seen death are answered with journeys much more than facts. It opens my eyes to the world around me, but it makes me so sad with every beautiful new thing I find, realizing two of my sons will never see it.
Hi guys. 🙂 I haven’t posted since February. We’ve been intensely busy working on life, Charley, church, Because of Ezra, and each other. Things are going well. I mean, from the high level explanation, yes, they’re going well. I mean, we’re all broken, we’re all hurting, we’re all needy and offbeat and different, but we’re good. Charley is great – he’s now completely off oxygen. None at all. His neck muscles are much better – he looks left all the time (never really did), even though he still looks to the right as his default stance. He’s working on his right eye. It goes lazy a lot, but time will fix it. He still eats from a tube, although he takes tiny bits by mouth now (we’re talking milliliters). Things are slow with Charley. It is frustating sometimes, but the kid is awesome, and will only get more so as he grows.
The foundation is moving along. We’ve got a great motorcycle ride coming up May 7th. Robyn and I have been meeting people all over the country involved in beating neuroblastoma (I refuse to capitalize that word), I’ve been playing music whenever I can, and Robyn and I talk often about our hurt, thoughts, and things we feel God is showing us. We spend a lot of time with various close friends chatting about life. Whoever your friends are – invest in them. Love them. These relationships are important in your life, I implore you to make them a priority.
I’ve started a book about Ezra’s story (and ours, I suppose). Well, I’ve created the Pages doc at least. 😉 I plan on filling it out… let’s see how that goes. Life is full of so many options still, which is nice. This is Easter week, and I wonder during these days how God felt when He lost His son. I wonder if He felt this empty space.
Thanks for reading.
Kyle your write always shows such strength! I love reading it and your deepest feelings and thoughts. It shows that your such a loving person, husband and father.
I am sure it’s hard when people ask how many children do you have… but it is probably harder when you tell them what you have and what you lost.
I am glad that Charley is doing great and starting to taste all of the good stuff in life. He is such a doll and something to be proud of!
I come to this site often… I laugh and I cry. It is so hard however its so heart warming. All I can say is “THANK YOU” for being the people that you guys are and for sharing your journey in life with us.
May god bless your family… hope you have a wonderful Easter.
Always praying, thinking and supporting you.will keep you updated on run, thinking about changing date to later in summer to get more people involved for the best support. Let me know how the legal stuff works out! Love u guys !
Praying for the 3 of you every day.
Thank you for the update. I love reading your posts. Your family is never far from my mind, and although I didn’t know Ezra personally, he enters my thoughts often.
I’m glad to hear that Charley is doing so well!
Much love to you…
You are amazing, loving, true and beautiful. I wish I new you more than just in this blog. You inspire me with every word to be more like Christ. I think of and pray for your family daily. Please know we all are hearing your cry’s but most of all our Lord is. Hugs and Kisses to all of you.
Some things in this broken world DO seem “safe” but is anything really ever safe? Without God there can be nothing. I pray for you all deep in my heart – you have truly changed me – Ezra has changed me and for that I will forever be grateful – I will never forget…
This picture speaks VOLUMES! Thank you for sharing it…
I’ve been wondering how you guys are doing so I was happy to check your blog and find an update. The accompanying image is heartbreaking and just brings me back to that question of WHY????!!!! I wish our limited levels of awareness could grasp it and understand that which it is not given to us to comprehend. Kyle you have a beautiful way with words and I hope you will go through with writing a book. You have a voice and it should be heard! They say every death is a rebrith in some way and I pray this holds true for you all. May your “rebirth” eventually bring you much healing and peace.
Ezra has been in my thoughts all day so I came to the internet today to search you all out again. Wanted so badly to see pictures of Charley – It’s good to read that he is doing so well. Since my acces to facebook is no longer 🙁 I haven’t been able to keep up with you guys at all. I found the “Because of Ezra” website and blog and joined to receive updates and donated the little bit that I could. I went ahead with the paypal thing and will do what I can to donate what I can as often as possible.
Anyway – you’re often in my thoughts and I have continued to pray for the Matthews Family because I love you so much.
Sending much love your way….Tammy
I think about your family often and pray for God’s comfort and peace to surround you. Thank you for always being so honest and inspirational in your blogs, I read every word with a hungry heart, wanting to know how you, Robyn, and Charley are doing. Funny how your writing makes ME feel better, and I’m not the one who has to go through this. I really hope you do write that book, it will be amazing and change lives. I truly love your family. God speaks to my heart through you, your story, and your love and faith in Him. I never knew Ezra, but I love him so much. Everyone has someone or a few people they really cannot wait to see in Heaven. Mine is Ezra, he is at the very top of my list. Someday……thank you Lord!