In a few weeks, we were supposed to have a 5 year old.
Less than an hour before his September 1st due date, on August 31st, 2008, I held my first-born son for the first time. I remember laying Ezra on Robyn, thinking I was supposed to let her hold him first. She was so worn out from labor she looked at him, smiled, and instantly fell asleep. I looked at the nurse, who smiled and told me to hold him. That moment, sitting in a chair, covered in blue paper scrubs, my eyes red from lack of sleep, I just stared at Ezra. It felt like forever – Robyn had birthed this child. Our child. We had created life. It was one of the most profound moments of my life.
I wrote here on what would have been his 3rd birthday, as well as his 4th. I even wrote here on his 2nd birthday, inviting you all to his party. A lot of you came. It was an incredible night, with so many of our friends and supporters showing their love to Ezra and us. Ezra died less than 3 months later, and we have so many beautiful photos from that 2nd birthday party.
August, like November, and like March, are difficult for us. Ezra was born the day before childhood cancer awareness month (September), and every year we wonder all August what we should be doing to remember him on his birthday. And what we should do to honor him for the month of September, and all the other kids fighting cancer still. The last two Augusts we visited Ezra’s grave, and spent quiet time with friends. It was good.
This year for Ezra’s birthday we are once again inviting you all out to a big party – this time instead of celebrating Ezra’s health like we did when he turned two, we are celebrating the children who are fighting neuroblastoma still, or will be. We’ve put together a fun karaoke party (with a live band backing up the singers) in Ybor City, on Ezra’s birthday, with all money raised supporting research into a cure for neuroblastoma. You should come.
We are busy working on adoption as well, with an official “match” coming up next week. I’ll write a whole separate post on this when details are more ironed out. We are excited about our future, as our family once again is growing. If you’ve ever considered adoption – look into doing so from foster care. There are hundreds of children just in Tampa who have no families, and while we know it is going to be work, we couldn’t be more excited to welcome a new child into our family.
I don’t know if an event on Ezra’s birthday is perfect or foolish. I know we love making a difference in Ezra’s name for kids and families still in this battle. I know Ezra loved smiling and dancing and laughing more than anything. So in some ways, I can’t think of a better way to remember him. I also know every smile comes with a pang of grief, realizing all the reasons behind Because of Ezra. I have to believe we can make a difference, and we won’t ever give up. If you spent the time Robyn and I do meeting, praying for, crying with, and laughing with families who have children diagnosed with neuroblastoma now, you’d realize our story is everywhere. Being repeated, re-lived, re-felt. Just with different names.
I miss my son. Every day. It’s been nearly 3 years, and it doesn’t get any less painful. We try to turn the pain into passion, knowing if we aren’t helping people, we aren’t living the lives we want to live. The lives we want to model to our children.
You all mean a lot to us.